Better known as, "My Weekend"!
This weekend I was MAD! I was mad at my Hubby because he made me feel bad Friday night. He did something I consider, self centered. He only considered MY feelings for a moment, then moved on in his own self serving direction.
Why do I feel this way?
Saturday I spent the whole day in a funk. I analyzed the situation to DEATH. How I feel, how he feels, what he did, what I could've done, what I might do next time, etc... I decided somewhere along the day that, I was mad, but I was mad at the wrong person. I can't be mad at him for knowing what he wants and doing what he has to in order to fulfill that desire. I'm mad at ME for not being able to do exactly that for myself.
What do I get out of failing to assert myself into a desired situation. I get to feel bad and explain to him how he made me feel. I get to make him feel bad for the way I feel. I get to manipulate him into being responsible for my happiness.... I fail to control MY reaction so I make HIM feel like it's his fault. (BOY was Saturday a big day for me!)
I'm jealous of his freedom. He doesn't care what anyone thinks or says... he knows what he wants and he gets it. Him being in control of himself and his reactions is a stupid reason to be mad at him.
This was a HUGE leap for me. I've been mad at him for this exact reason before. I'm always left sitting in a big puddle of "poor me" and in the past, I've managed to force responsibility for it onto him. This time, I decided it should be different. I never feel better, so that must not be the answer.
I sat and made mental lists of what I could do differently next time. How can I have what he has. What would need to happen for me to feel different about the end result and how can I take the responsibility for those happenings into my own hands.
We had make-up sex. LOL Even though we weren't really "making up" because I knew I was mad at me, not him. It was wonderful to rid myself of the negative feelings I was aiming at him and reconnect with him. After, we were laying together and he kinda chuckled and said, "I thought you were mad at me."
"I thought I was too" I said, "But it turned out I'm the one who needs to change, not you. I can't be mad at you for knowing what you want and getting it, that's stupid and doesn't serve me. You're perfect exactly the way you are and I'm going to try harder to allow you to just BE. I'll sort through and deal with my feelings as they come, but I'm sorry I was so weird all day."
I could see the slightly stunned confusion on his face, like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. LOL He stood up and headed for the door saying, "Well, I'm glad you're feeling better, even if I don't quite understand."
"All you need to understand is that I love you" I said as he walked out into the hallway.
Here's the funniest part.
He walked out of the room, and as I layed there in the dark I thought, "I wish I knew I was thinking better now. I wish I could be sure that I have a grip now. I've thought I was right in the past and wasn't... so I hope I'm finally on the right track."
I no sooner finished the above thought when the radio launched into this song. I smiled at my amazing connection to the Universe and felt endlessly grateful for my self actualization.
Just the Way You are
By: Billy Joel
Don't go changing, to try and please me,
You never let me down before,
Don't imagine, you're too familiar,
And I don't see you anymore.
I would not leave you, in times of trouble,
We never could have come this far,
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times,
I'll take you just the way you are.
Don't go trying, some new fashion,
Don't change the colour of your hair,
You always have my, unspoken passion,
Although I might not seem to care.
I don't want clever, conversation,
I never want to work that hard,
I just want someone, that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are.
I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew,
What will it take till you believe in me,
The way that I believe in you?
I said I love you, and that's forever,
And this I promise from the heart,
I couldn't love you, any better,
I love you just the way you are.
I don't want clever, conversation,
I never want to work that hard,
I just want someone, that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are.
