Who Are You?

* I recently realized that I've changed SO much over the past 2 years, that no one in my life knows me anymore, except my Hubby. Funny how alone it makes you feel when you realize that every single person who's ever known you thinks of you very differently than you are. I mean, I USED to be that person. They're not REALLY far off base. But I'm night and day to that girl now.

My friend K uses a word that I love. It's... surfacey. Yeah, you read that right. It's a word to describe the pursuits and concerns of people who are completely wrapped up in ego and who live their lives seeing themselves as separate from the rest of the life on the planet. People who live their lives only on the surface, and cut themselves off from their own peace. That was the girl I was. We'll call her "Surfacey El".

So, I realized quite suddenly one day that every person in my life, outside my husband and children, doesn't have the slightest clue who I really am. I think I've always behaved in an individually, specific way around different individuals in my life. Not meaning to really, but this person laughs at these kinds of jokes, and that person enjoys my dry wit, while the other person enjoys my quick sarcasm. The things about all these traits is, they went away. I mean, not completely, but most of my jokes, wit and sarcasm came from a negative, disconnected place. And that negative, disconnected space in me doesn't run my life anymore. I'm not "Surfacey El" anymore. Well... most of the time. LOL

I'm still learning to cultivate emotions of love and connectedness to my fellow man, but for the most part... I manage to stay connected. I don't automatically criticize people anymore. A silly looking pair of pants and a bright hat would send me into a frenzy of "OMG! Why would someone want to wear that, bla bla bla, etc, etc." I've been learning through my children though. My 8 yr old dressed up in a way that I wouldn't, but when he asked how he looked, I asked him how he felt. He said he felt good, and so I told him ... "If it makes you feel good, then you look GREAT"

That was a powerful sentence in my life. Since then, when I see someone looking like what I would have labeled as STUPID before.... now, I think, WOW... they must feel FANTASTIC! I think the people in my life are actually disappointed when I don't come off with the same old wise cracks that I used to, but I just don't FEEL it anymore.

So here I am. This fantastic new person and I don't have anyone to share me with. Everyone expects me to be different than I am and I'm tired of switching from Surfacey El to Real El all the time. But the thing is... I didn't realize I was tired of doing that, or even that I was really doing it. It was almost unconscious. No.... it WAS unconscious. Because I'd be talking to someone and there's be moments of clarity when I would actually HEAR the things I was saying, and I'd think... WHAT!? What the hell are you saying that for?!... but then I'd get sucked back into whatever drama I was hearing about and the Real El was again forgotten until the ride home.

Then, one day not too long ago... I came out of my LOA closet. You may remember the blog post about it. To recap, I was at my friend T's house (HI T!) and we started having a spiritual/religious discussion and I totally outed myself. Told her what I thought and my ideas on the Universe and God and creation and conscious living and loa and intention/manifestation. I questioned my sanity at the time, but on the ride home, I decided that I wasn't going to be Surfacey El anymore! I'm not her anymore. I was unhappy when I WAS her. No more going back!

The funny thing about all of it though, is that, when I decided to stop being anyone other than who I am now, the Universe compensated by sending me my friend K. I asked the Universe for a friend that was more like the Real El and less like the Surfacey El 6 or 7 months ago, but I was still "popping in and out of consciousness" if you will and I couldn't have her yet. Then I decided there'd be no more popping in and out to suit the expectations of whoever I was around, and suddenly, there was the friend I'd asked for. I committed to being myself no matter what, and God sent me someone who would love, accept and understand me for the new person that I am.

Who do the people in YOUR life think you are? Are you your authentic self, or do you put on a mask? I'm so much happier being my happy, laid back, peace filled self.

Here's to having the courage to be yourself!

Peace & Love,
El